Food poisoning: I’d say I’m back from the dead, but you know how scared I am of zombies

This past Sunday night, I got food poisoning.

You know how people say they “had a touch of food poisoning” to either get out of something or discreetly imply they’ve been using the bathroom a lot?  I now know that excuse is bogus.  Food poisoning does not touch you.  It slaps you to the ground, beats you until your body turns inside out, and leaves you in a quivering heap on the bathroom floor.

Here are the stages of food poisoning:

Stage 1: Violently remove all bodily products through your top half.

Stage 2: Violently remove all bodily products through your bottom half.

You think there’s nothing left that the evil beast can take from you.  Any possible offensive food or liquid

has to have been removed at this point, right?


Stage 3:  Spike a fever that breaks in the middle of the night and leaves you in a pool of your own sweat.  This was the only point of this experience when I was actually glad Tedd was on a business trip because I was able to move from the puddle on to his side of the bed.

And then, almost exactly 48 hours later, it was over.  Well, I have been having really bad nightmares, which could be dehydration, but I’m slightly convinced the evil beast is sad there are no longer any physical substances to remove from my body, so it has moved on to the metaphysical.  At the very least it could rid me of my crippling fear of zombies.

Anyway, I have nothing substantive for this post; however, I will be spending some extra time supporting policies that help parents who have chronic illnesses.  I cannot fathom going through this everyday.  Aside from not even having the strength to pick up O, let alone stand up, I won’t even go into what it’s like to go through this when you have a toddler who has a serious fascination with the toilet.  My heart goes out to anyone struggling with an illness while taking care of someone else.

In the good news category, I got a new camera for the birthday.  Want to know another secret aside from way too much information about my bodily functions?  If you want to think you’re really good at photography, you can either actually get really good at photography, or you can have the same point-and-shoot camera for nearly 10 years and then get a NEW point-and-shoot camera.  You will think you are the secret love child of Anne Geddes and Ansel Adams.  (Please allow me to continue this delusion.)

P.S.  Did you know cameras now KNOW when to take a picture when someone smiles?  Why didn’t someone tell me this when O was tiny and I would spend hours waiting to catch one?

P.P.S.  Did you also know that cameras now have a setting that automatically takes out fine lines and wrinkles?  This might be the only thing that makes up for getting food poisoning from my 32nd birthday dinner.

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4 responses to “Food poisoning: I’d say I’m back from the dead, but you know how scared I am of zombies

  1. That was not food poisoning…that is the stomach flu going around this year. Its the same flu I gave to the entire district staff and my whole family. Yay!

    • Chall-unggge!! Clearly you did not see the offending piece of pork. But if it was the flu, I passed it to no one, so I guess there’s some luck. And wow, you must be super popular at work, huh? :)

  2. Anne I JUST wrote a post on food poisoning that I am putting up…And I don’t think there’s such thing as a “stomach bug.” No one has ever sneezed on me and made me sick for 2 days! It all comes from food you swallow, I’m very convinced.

  3. Totally agree with the analysis of the worst thing I have been thru. I had to go work a 12 hour shift after only the first 21 hrs of it. I am a nurse and couldn’t let my team or patients down. I was weak and queasy, and hurt all over, but felt semi human by the end of the day. Good article.

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